: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
