It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
