70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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