How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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