On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
