We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
