She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
