I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
