i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
