my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
NoShamevember. You game?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
