I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
