i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
