Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
