Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
