My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
