My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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