I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
