My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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