Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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