You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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