I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
