happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
