It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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