the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
