did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
