I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
