Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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