I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
