Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
