i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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