Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
