Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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