i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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