dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
