How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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