this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
