just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
