The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
