i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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