Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
