At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
