I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
