Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
