So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
