She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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