haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
