This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
