I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
