I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
