She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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